death

01/12/14 Death

I am 58 now will be 59 next month. I am on disability and virtually no money to do anything but eat on. I have bills that will never be paid. I live in a small house on a small piece of land. I have 4 grown children and only one of them contacts me.

There are times when I do not take a bath but once a week. I sometimes do not leave my place for a couple of weeks at a time. I have had one heart attack. I had a blood vessel pop in my head and cause a wreck for me. Now I am paying on another truck and so I have no money.

DEATH IS WELCOME TO ME. Any dream or aspiration I may have had has been long stomped from my soul. I had a mother that well she was as domineering pushing controlling and destructive. She does not understand IT FUCKING HURTS TO SEE HER. I do not go to her house.

I remember her encouraging words to me and wonder the ones spoken when I was under 7 years of age that may have destroyed my foundation, “How in the hell are you going to college you barely graduated high school” I left college as a senior.

I guess I am as close to a hermit recluse as you can be without climbing a tall mountain in Tibet somewhere. I like people it is not that. I am just so beat hammered and don’t see much reason to fight up the stream. Like a Salmon that exhausted itself on its clime home to breed I am one of those who did not make it.

I guess I believed the LIES my mother told and the other people in the Church of Christ, that life should have goals and a reason for being. Well my reason is to wait on Death now. There is nothing I can do to change this. My mother to a great extent by insisting things go her way to some degree is responsible. She did things like calling my wife and I back from North Carolina telling us there were jobs in Abilene Texas and there were none, she lied for her own self interest. My wife and I had jobs there and money in savings too. She with her lie took that.

Like the man too long locked in solitary confinement or beaten daily, my spirit and soul wait the retrieving hand of God. I have no chance of ever seeing my children or grand children. I have found I can eat one meal a day most days. Sometimes I do not check the mail box for three days. There are days like this one that I will not leave my house at all. No I am not depressed. Just a realist. As an example of my mother's gifts that don't give. She paid about $2,500 for a building for me to work in and it is 14' by maybe 10' for the same money she could have gotten a steel sea box that is 53' long and 108” wide, but her money her building. She took me to enroll me in welding school said this was my only interest. Well this lie hurt me and limited me in the amount of money I could make.

I was 18 interested in photography, firearms, and wanted to be an auctioneer too. I have heard of other mothers like mine and it always seems that the offspring stop seeing them. I do know that if I found a reason a goal a something to do I would not wait for only death. This loving mother paid to have a tank cleaned out for me on my land the tractor operator fucked her out of a tonne of money. He would show up at 1000 or 1100 and leave by 1500 some days 3 maybe 4 hours worth of work and charged 25,00 dollars. I said nothing because I long ago learned talking to Johan Green is like talking to a fence post. Her money her way her loss. After all I lost a wife and grand children because she flew them to Oregon with her money!!!